Dear Mom,

I know we don't know eachother too well anymore. I remember you when I was young, but I would be lying if I said I knew everything about you. I heard things, but never the entire story of who you were. I wonder if we're anything alike sometimes. Did you do the same things I do now? Did you have the same dreams? Same needs? Same head? People say that we look alike, especially in our eyes. I get told a lot I have your eyes. I wonder if they have the same shine yours did.

I guess I'm selfish, mom. Because I wish you were here still. That you were besides me, that you saw all the accomplishments I did. Yesterday my Expressive Arts teacher said I had a natural talent for acting and singing! And the staff here say I know how to use my coping skills better than anyone else on the unit! I write now, I have a lot of stories. Did you write when you were younger? I know you sang.

I remember when I was younger and I basically screamed song lyrics, you told me that I had a good voice but I had nothing else down. I guess that was to be expected. I was what, 6? 5 at best? I wasn't sure. The song was 'All-Star' from Smash Mouth. I listen to it here and there and sing along with it to see if I improved. I think I did.

Mom, I have a girlfriend now. Grandmom said you had nothing against that sorta stuff. I hope it's true. I wonder how you would react. What would you say? What would you think of her? She's real nice, Mom, really. Her name's Hailey and she's one of the prettiest girls I've ever met. I'm sure you would agree on that. She's a good kid. So is one of my best friends. I've known him for a good three years now, he's one of the best people I've met. He helped me discover who I was and am. Dad likes him. His name's Marcus and he's the one who knows the most how I feel about you. I hope you would like them. They make me the happiest kid in the world.

I guess I'm not the happiest kid, though. If you're there still, you would know I'm not. I miss you a lot. I guess that's one of the biggest reasons why I'm sad. I can't let go of you. There's not a day when I don't think about you, Mom. I don't talk about it because I feel as if I should've been able to deal with it by now. It's been six years. I guess it hurts because you never got to see anything.

Will you come to my graduation? Wedding? The day your first grandchild is born? Are you still here? Or is it true that there's just nothing after this? I hope there's not just nothing sometimes. Because you deserve better than nothing. I remember we used to pray every night when we shared the same room. I don't remember any of the actual prayers, though. I stopped when you left. It hurt too much to do anything.

Sometimes Grandmom takes me to church. And though I'm not religious anymore, I always light a candle for you. I don't know if you ever heard me crying. Me talking to you and telling you I'm sorry. I hope you don't. I don't want you to ever see me like that. Crying, huddled up under a blanket saying that I wish you were here. I love you, mom.

I wish it wasn't this way. I wish you lived. Aunt Lilly told me you weren't happy when you died. That hit me hard. Was it true Mom? Please tell me it's not. I hope it isn't. I hope when you died you knew Daddy really loved you. He did and still does. He doesn't mean to hurt people, he just has a lot of issues. I know he means and meant well. I know you were really sick when you died. I know you could barely walk and you were just released from two hospitals; one was a behavioral one to help with your prescription use, anxiety and depression. The other was a medical one, I'm not sure for what.

I never really knew how sick you were. I feel as if I only knew you during your worst. I wish I didn't. All I wanted was another chance to say I love you. I didn't want to say goodnight. God, I thought it was a good night. I didn't know it would be the last night I had with you.

Daddy was carrying me to my room to go to bed. You were sitting in your big red chair, and I said goodnight. I will never forget that night. It will be the best yet worst night in my life. If I could see you again, I would hug you and tell you I truly, honestly love you. That you were the best women I met and I wish we had more than this, but beggars can't be choosey. I would tell you everything that's been going on and you would tell me what's going on with you. We would joke, laugh and maybe I would find out things I never did.

I just want you to know that I love you. I hope your better now, I hope you're happy now. I hope that God's treating you like the queen you are and that nobody's messing with you up there. I can't wait to see you. I wish this life could just end quicker so I can, but I know I have to keep going. It hurts so bad to live but maybe at the end it's worth it. Maybe I make you proud. Maybe I do what I always wanted to.

Stay safe, mom. And don't worry, I think we're gonna be just fine. Soon it'll be easier. Soon I'll be able to let this just become a part of me and not all of me. Soon, but not yet.

I'll see you soon.

Love, 

Your only daughter, Grace Donovan